Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I'm not sure how this all came about. . . actually, that's a lie. I know exactly how. I was talking to Lisa on gchat for longer than 3 minutes which is enough time to lead to bizarre conversations on the brink of genius and insanity thus, bringing me to my smartest (or stupidest) decision of 2009.
From this moment on, I hereby declare to replace all swear words with confectionery items.
Need more expanation?
Here are some examples:
"Oh, snickerdoodle! I just spilled coffee all over my new blouse. Cupcake my life."
"Hey dude, see that hot chick over there standing by the bar? Totally sconed her."
"Bro, that girl wouldn't scone you if you were the last scone at Starbucks. You are so full of butterscotch it's not even funny."
"Who the funnel cake do you think you're talking to, you red velvet profiterol?"
"I wouldn't touch that marble loaf with a ten foot fork."
"Holy cracker jacks! I just won a new car! My life is the licorice!"
"I hate him! Why did I ever date such a piece of salt water taffy?"
"Joan, he's not worth your calories. He's nothing but a two-timing petit four."
"Did you see Don totally eat chocolate trying to hit that rail?"
"Yeah, he is going to feel like hot fudge tomorrow."
"You're such a piece of toffee. But I still think you're delicious, and I love you."
"Someone better tell me what the marzipan is going on here or I'm gonna lose my oreos!"
"Can you believe how caramelized Betty was last night at the party?"
"That girl made a complete doughnut of herself."
"Peanut Brittle! I just got another parking ticket. Chocolate covered parking police, always trying to ruin my day."
"That girl is such a lemon bar. I mean, can we talk about that powdered sugar for one second? Who the cotton candy does she think she is?"
I think everyone should try and hop on this train. The next stop will be to replace all cars and planes with ponies and unicorns, then replace all guns with candy canes, and ultimately, live in a world where everyone has the ability to break out in choreographed song and dance, living out everyday situations in the form of a delightful Broadway musical. Now, who the gumdrops wouldn't want to live in a world like that?